Name:Nick Location: Jacksonville, Florida, United States Birthday:3/21/1986 Gender:Male
Interests:I always want to be constantly learning, and I never want to stop asking the questions that fly through my head. Music has become an important aspect in my life, ranging from death and power metal, to celtic folksongs; I've always had a wide variety. I've always have been and always will be a video gamer. I'm constantly drawing so I can keep my skills sharps and keep getting better at what I want to become. Anything else, you'll find out later. Expertise:Laughing into the face of Inner Turmoil Occupation:Student
girl called Kayla! Every time I see her I am filled with nothing but hate. I've never been so vengful in my life than with everytime I see this "girl". She'll lead you around until she gets what she wants or until she realizes you don't have anything of interest. My hatchet with her was supposed to be buried weeks ago...but I'm still sharpening that weapon every time I see that stupid-goth-reject whore because she led ME on. Me! The Great El Nico...You don't DO that with the Great El Nico!!!
For those of you catching up: In the begining of this semester, a girl I had run into invited me to go see Cradle of Filth in concert. Seemed like a good idea at the time; cute goth girl asking me if I wanted to go see one of my favorite bands in concert. Can't lose right? Especially when the first time (and only time) we hung out, she kissed me. Well, after I let slip that I was looking for a relationship, she gave me the cold shoulder every time I attempted to hang out with her. Of course this all occured a month before the concert. By the time the concert rolled around, I'm trying to get a hold of her in the casual manner...Being that the concert started at 6:30, I decided that by 4:30 she had ditched me. I started to try and get in touch with her around 1...and I stopped at 4:30, calling in 20-30 minute intervals from 2:30-4:30. I had already bought the ticket, as well as a shirt, and I didn't get to go apparently due to "communication issues". Two words: BULL SHIT!!! She ditched me, and everyone who knows this story knows god damn well it's true.
Here's the kicker though. Because I did that little slip up, I can't help but think of the idea that I did myself in. Yeah, because I wanted something different from her, I'm to blame. Because I wanted to take care of her and have something meaningful with her, I threw away the only chance I had to see one of my favorite bands live. I don't know about you people, but what I just typed is the most rid-god-damn-diculous thing I will ever type. Yet, I can't shake that fact off because I always think worst case scenario. This, is by far, the biggest sack of shit I've ever had to deal with...and I don't have to deal with it at all.
I don't know how to stop hating her. She'll never give me the time of day to even talk to her, she PLAYED me, and I'm out $50 because of a concert I didn't go to. I have every reason to chew her out the next time I see her, but I can't. I can't, because that would make me as bad as every other guy who vent on girls like that. I see it as if she wasn't worth my time...And yet here I've been for the past 20 minutes typing about her and how I feel about her. Last time I checked, she was supposed to call me back anyway. I deleted her number from my phone, so that way it'll truly be a shock to me if I hear the name Kayla when I ask who it is. I pray, that I never have to see her again. I've never hated anyone, and then hate becomes the definition of "how Nick feels about Kayla". I keep wanting to hate her, and every demon that I ever had to deal with is telling me to hate her...and every other female on the planet.
I don't know how to forgive this one. I thought I did, too! One night, I layed down on my bed and told God that I forgive her and that I wish her the best. I told GOD, that I hope He takes care of her because I'm unable to. Yet, I saw her at breakfast today, and all I can do is smolder in my seat while I eat crappy biscuits and gravy. How do I stop this hate from eating me alive? I don't know what to do, Nicolites...I'm at a loss as to how to stop a feeling I want.
I've lost another 30 minutes of my life because I can't stop thinking about her...I could've done my accounting by now...
Music can bring your deepest emotions out of you...I found another song that does that. Just when I thought I could let those feelings die, I find something that brings them back. The song is called "Angels Don't Kill" by (yet again) children of bodom. This song brings out the worst in me; that parts that I never want people to see. So if anyone hears this song, know that if I were to lose it, this would be the last song I listen to. I added a pretty kick ass video that has the band playing it live, so watch it and read the lyrics so it makes a little more sense. This is a song that summons my demons and reminds me that life was painted with cheap goldleaf. And now, "Angels Don't Kill" by Children of Bodom.
I hear the footsteps going by, Watching myself slowly die. Sharp pain impaling through my heart, Slowly tearing me apart.
One minute you're an angel fallen from grace, Next, the fix that I hate. Pickin' me up from the gutter with a gentle kiss, Then rips out my heart to show me how black it is!
No! You're no good! It feels so cold, Yet I won't turn back! I'll die alone!
I hear the footsteps walking by, Watching myself slowly die. Sharpening pain impaling through my heart, Slowly tearing me apart.
When you appear as an angel Knocking me down, looking my way, Could you ever kill the pain in my heart, Even though they say angels don't kill?
No! You're no good! It feels so cold, Yet I won't turn back! I'll die alone!
No! You're no good! It feels so cold, Yet I won't turn back! I'll die alone!!
You know...some of the oddest things have happened to me because of music. This momment now is due to revelation. The song below is one aspect of how I view my life. Bleak, I know, but let me try to explain it...
As much shit as I've gone through, I can always smile on the fact that I get up everyday. In the past, I've always gotten up for others because I've seen how a friends' death can shatter a life or two. My family and friends were all I had, and I didn't want them to be sad if I were to leave like that. Fighting, what felt like, everyday about why I can't leave my family and friends like that...It's a war I wish I could forget.
This past fall semester, though, I started getting up because I wanted to. I get up for myself, and it has sometimes become the greatest part of the day. I never thought I'd be excited to be woken up by an alarm clock, and yet I woke up today excited. Excited that I defied the fates, again, in being able to stay alive. For what it's worth to me now...I live to give Death the finger.
This song that I posted below is a reflection of how I still push on for myself and stopped worrying about how others feel about me. Of how, everytime I ask myself "why?" I now always answer "because I can." It feels like I've gone through hell and back, and I still keep coming back. I come back laughing that I was able to do it again. And it seems like the only way life can really bite me in the ass, is if it kills me.
The main reason why I posted this song with this explaination is because not many people know this to begin with. I wanted to share this with all of you because this is important to me. This is one aspect as to why I am who I am, and I wanted you all to know that. The song below is only one of many Children of Bodom songs, and I invite you to look up other songs by them. Their lyrics are as much of a part of me as much as your arm or leg is a part of you. And now, "Punch Me I Bleed" by Children of Bodom. Download it, if you're metal.
From the reign I've built Of shame and guilt I go back and take a look At myself and what I have done so far At the bridge she's Dying waiting till light
No choice to go Backward, inwards Okay, shatter us You're to cross the chamber
Going down I walk my way till now Deep to the obscurity Obliterating you in every way With my life's insanity
Battered up again I'm going right insane Curled up on the floor Wonder ways to kill the pain and What doesn't kill you Only makes you pissed off
Sweep back to kill You pray, make it go away So let's, sweep back the shining blade Cause when you punch me, I bleed
Going down I walk, my way till now Deep to the obscurity Obliterating you in every way With my life's insanity
[Solo]
No choice to go Backward, inwards Okay, shatter us You're to cross the chamber
Going down I walk my way till now Deep to the obscurity Obliterating you in every way With my life's insanity
Christmas was good. Got some cool albums and stuff for my new apartment. Oh yeah. I HAVE AN APARTMENT!!! Yeah, definitely will never doubt my roomates' connections. My parents are being amazing with helping me out until I can sustain myself; so another thing they gave me that I'm enternally grateful for. As of now things are going great there and I have absolutely nothing to complain about *knocks on wood*. On the downside, I have no internet so postings will be even less then they are now, unless I absolutely need to vent. This also means no IMing for an indefinite time. I know. I suck. Get over it.
What else?....
Classes are cool...shit ton of work, but I'm going to like it this time...Then again I'm saying this before projects are due and the school says I have no money for art supplies...Ihatethisschoolsometimes...But yeah, the teachers I have are cool and the only REAL downside is that I have classes from 6-9 on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thrusdays...Go me...
Been meeting some cool new people since school got back. Most of them, of course being women. Random thing sorta happened too: a friend of mine that I met last semester invited me to a Cradle of Filth concert that's happening at the House of Blues Feb. 27th (don't quote me on that...I think) almost immediately after she added me on myspace. So as soon as I buy a ticket and one of CoFs' shirts, I'll be good to go for that day...However, there will be the issue that I have one of my night classes, for lo and behold it's a Tuesday...f***ingtuesdays....and it's an art class. If I have anything relatively important due on that day, I'm royally fucked (I always think worst case scenario if you haven't caught on). Anyway, I'll be praying to God that I have absolutely NOTHING due on that could-be-blessed day.
Also, I'm relatively excited for these movies: Ghost Rider, Transformers (watch the new trailer...NOW!!!), and the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie...Granted that last one is going to be completely CGI, but they're an old time favorite and Michaelangelo is going to be at his dumbest...THAT and I'll be enjoying my birthday spring break when I go see it. Yet, I can say that I will enjoy that movie one way or another...Oh! and a certain someone who I previously worked at publix with needs to come up here and see Ghost Rider with me; HINT HINT!!!
That's about all to report for now. Enjoy the rest of your weeks, Nicolites. Live free and die well.
Alright, so I guess I should talk about the times after this semester.
- First week of work consisted of 34 hours of customer service in everyone's FAVORITE grocery store, Publix...and I'll be working 35 next week...When they told me that they really needed the help, I believed them...Didn't realize how much. Yet this means $7.25 for each of those hours and that's a .75 cent raise from last summer...so yay (I guess).
- Apparently my housing contract WAS in fact broken and all I have to do is talk to the right people to sort that crap out. By crap I mean: getting my parents their refund for the dorm while somehow still paying for the meal plan, figuring out how to get the cool stuff in my dorm closet out of there, working out how I'm going to pay for the apartment by January 1st...aaaannd while still working for Publix until the 5th...Nicolite-Prime is in a deep load of shit.
- As far as Christmas shopping goes, family is done. hu-FUCKING- zah! All of mis amigos...So very sorry...you won't be getting gifts this year...or at least have any of them on the acutal date of Christmas. So I apologize to those I said I'd give presents to...I messed up
- Women...whatever...They're missing out. Thaaat's right. I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best that ever will be. You women have NO idea how good you could have it, so go...go shoe shopping or something to distract yourselves from the truth! You detailed-thinking-shop-craved NINNIES!!!....(in reality there's just no hope of any relationship with any woman and I'm just blaming the entire female gender for it...*shrugs*)
Whelp...That's the update so far...Sorry I've been out of touch with you guys, just know that I'm doing whatever I can to stay alive and sane. Take care and peace out Nicolites.
